So many things I want to share with you stored in my brain. Tens of blog posts constructed each day in my head that never get laid to paper. Some get written down (typed out?) and never posted. This time, I’m going to spill it out and publish, and let it be seen.

I’m forty one years old today. It’s been an unusual birthday – circumstances are somewhat strained. Mum is in hospital and I’m wishing so very much that she was here with me now, sharing my celebration. There’s no heart in me for celebrating, truth be told. But there is heart for something. So I set out with the intention to search for that something…

I started today with a chakra balancing healing exercise. Chakras teetering on the edge of balance,  I finished the last of the Sookie Stackhouse novels I’ve been reading (I’m really wishing I’d organised the next one to be in the house – it was one of those da-da-da endings).

After my delicious hubster made me a caffé latte with coconut milk (on our wedding day, he promised me champagne breakfasts every morning – this is our economy version) I headed up for some altar work : a candle, some Japanese incense and a gratitude ceremony.

A few minute’s silence, just sitting and breathing. Then I wrote a letter to myself. It started out with lots of appreciation; for the amount of beauty in my life (yes – even in this time of fear and darkness); the very special people I know and love (mostly, I think of you as my team of supes – apologies if you’re not a Sookie Stackhouse reader); and I ended up at the miracle of life itself!

Yes, I know. Life throws this stuffs at you sometimes, but difficult and scary though it is – angry though I am – I know it’s all really a miracle. I’m a believer, you see. I believe in magic. I see the light of it everywhere.

A few weeks back, I answered some questions in a mini goddess interview over at Amy Palko’s Facebook page as she launched her delectable Virgins & Lovers ‘more than an ebook’. I lied in the interview. I said the goddess that called to me most was Diana. In truth, I intellectually understand Diana’s appeal, but she isn’t the goddess that calls to me.

The goddess that calls to me is in everyone – and everywhere. I see her when I look in the mirror. I see her lying all sparkly-like on a hospital bed. I see her when I check my Instagram feed, my Facebook profile, my email account. I see her in the post office, in the forest, in the night sky, at the cinema …

I don’t always call her a goddess. She certainly doesn’t go by just one name. I’m quite a practical gal – always have been. My beliefs are complex and myriad : the hubster calls me an initiate of the church of the cosmic uncertainty (totally made up church, a figment of his imagination).  I’d have trouble explaining to a skeptic what I really mean. Today, writing out my gratitude letter, I discovered this truth. And I just know it. From the very depths of my heart.

I believe in the divine and I see it every day. I see it in you. Right now.

Remember, you manifest the jewel in your existence with every breath, with every day you are alive. You are the lover, the process of loving and the beloved. ~ Deepak Chopra